2013 cometh and we're still alive!

It's the last post of the year!  Wooo, we didn't all die.  I always wonder, when stuff like the Mayan calendar thing or that thing, whatever it was called, a couple years ago happen, how do they account for time zones?  Like when New Zealand doesn't blow up, do I still need to worry or am I good?  This is something that people seem to forget when it comes to dooms days.  My brother and I had an interesting chat about dooms days.  If you knew for certain that the world was going to end would you stick around or would you off yourself?  We agreed that we'd stay to watch the show but would keep some quick offingg method around in case it got too gross.  Both of us are extremely curious as to how the world would end and would want to stay to see it.

Speaking of time zones (oh yeah, reaching transition!) I flew back from Ontario two days ago after spending a lovely week Christmas-ing it up with my family.  My flight back ended up not leaving until eleven pm-ish due to delays so I was hoping I would sleep on the plane.  No such luck.  Between the screaming babies, horrible children in front of me and some evil energy that decided to possess me I was wide awake.  Brain dead, but wide awake.  Commence four hours of very bad television.  Specifically Storage Wars: Texas.  Holy god.  It's a bunch of people bidding on shit in abandoned storage lockers and then...you know what, I recommend looking it up if you are curious.  Honestly, I can't bring myself to describe this superficial garbage.  I think my brain started to melt out my ears while I watched this.  One interesting thing though, is that since I was watching American television, I got Amercian ads, something I really don't see ever.  They were fairly horrible on the racist and sexist grounds but my favourite was the one that just talked about "the American way" and working hard to promote the "American way" and so on and so forth.  It was blatant propaganda.  It amused me because they went on and one about this "great land" that our "forefathers founded" 150 years ago.  This amuses me because, well, in the grand scheme of things, 150 years is really not that long.  You're a baby country by comparison of say, Scotland or Germany.  Or China.  Just saying.

Also, your "forefathers" murdered shit tons of people and animals in order to get this "great land" so yeah.  Just saying.  I like Canada.  We're pretty neutral on being Canadian and if anyone said "The Canadian way" they'd be talking about Tim Horton's.

So do I have any great revelations or wise things to say as this year comes to an end?  Not really.  I'm getting married next year.  That's exciting!  Four months and excitement building.  I do have one sort of New Year's goal; I'd like to be done the novel I'm working on and be working on getting it published.  People ask me what I'm going to do when I graduate; be the next Margaret Atwood or Alice Munro is the plan.  Sometimes I say something more reserved like "grad school" but yeah, that is the plan.  I want to be the next big Canadian female writer.  It'll be rad.

Happy New Years to all!  Hope you have a fabulous and safe night.

Aimee and Jaguar

So I love Netflix.  I wish they had more available but I love Netflix.  Watched Aimee and Jaguar off there yesterday.  My only complaint is that apparently it's only available until November 10th!  That's very sad as the film was amazing.

It's a 1998, German war film, set in Berlin towards the end of the second world war.  It follows the story of five different women living in Berlin at the time, four of whom are Jewish.  It is based on the memoirs of Lilly Wust, who is in fact one of the main characters.  That may be kind of obvious.  I apologize if so.  It is pre-breakfast. 

Anyways this film is one of the most beautiful and sad things I have seen in a while (I'm actually trying to think of when the last time I saw a film this lovely was.  I'm unsure).  I should warn you, fellow reader, that I am biased; as I told Boyfriend last night, I love foreign language films so I am already uber inclined to give a good review.  I love hearing the language instead of English-with-an-accent-so-you-think-they're-speaking-German.  There are also super hot women in it.  That does nothing to help my biases.  This ties into another reason I love Netflix.

 They have a section called Gay and Lesbian films!  I found this one there.  As I mentioned, it is based on the memoirs of Lilly Wust, who at the time of the second world war was a housewife married to a German soldier.  She falls in love with a Jewish woman, Felice Schragenheim and the story ensues.  Maria Schrader plays Felice and holy damn is she sexy.  She reminds me a bit of Noomi Rapace in appearance; I am sure I have gushed about Noomi.  There is some extremely hot lesbian sex in the movie, not just between Felice and Lilly but also with Felice and her former girlfriend, Ilse, played by Johanna Wokalek, who is also a sexy beast. 

Sorry, I could rant about the sexy women in the movie for quite some time but you are probably going, that's great, but why else is the film amazing?  Well, as I said it is beautiful and extremely sad.  I don't feel I'm giving anything away by saying that because come on, it's a love story between the wife of a Nazi officer and a Jewish woman in WWII Berlin.  But this movie also explores the politics of the time and highlights the struggles of the time.  Not just of the Jewish people but also the Germans living in bombed out Berlin.  It's actually very fascinating.  The movie comes across as unbiased to either side and just simply presents a picture of the facts through the characters.  The story feels real and the characters feel alive.  I am thinking that a lot of the lack of tropes and horrible plot lines has to do with the fact that the story is based off of memoirs and therefore, actually happened.  The terror of the time is not minced around and the troubles of the people are not easily resolved.  The ending is not a neat little box that allows you to go, well that was nice and fun but moving on.  No, this one stays with you.  It's haunting.  I love it.

As I mentioned, it appears to only be available on Netflix for another two days (NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!) so if you have Netflix I recommend watching it before then.  And even if you don't have Netflix, watch it.  It is wonderful.  You will cry by the way.  A warning.  But you'll also laugh and smile and if you're someone like me, drool.  Mmmm curves.  So yes, Aimee and Jaguar; fantastic film.

Teachers and Tea

Good god it's been nearly a month.  My Mom got a hold of me last night and one of the things she said was that she's supposed to be the one behind, not me.  Fair point Mom, fair point.  So here I am at what feels like too fucking early, with a mug of green tea and a bowl of leftovers.  I keep thinking maybe there is some way I can crawl back into bed and pretend that this is all a dream but then I remember my fantasy of going to grad school.  Damn that hope.  Also I do actually want to go to this class.  The content is fairly interesting and I'll be honest, I have a thing for my prof.  I usually don't get like this over teachers but she's cute, smart, interesting and friendly.  And a drummer in a metal band.  I swooned when I found out.  And realized, with a sinking feeling, that I would be faithfully attending every class to enjoy when she smiles at me, sitting all eager like in the front row.  Both Fiance and Boyfriend say I should ask her out for coffee after the final exam.  Sure, if I ever find the balls.  Nothing says appealing like making a potential ass out of yourself. 

Side note, ohmygodisthisteaevertasty!  It's Blue Mango that Fiance and I picked up from Cha Island (it's a link to their Facebook page as the website is not working for shit for me).  What is Cha Island you ask?  It is a fantastic tropical themed cafe just off Whyte Ave.  The official address is 10332-81ave, here in Edmonton, but if you're anything like me, you're going, give me landmarks!  K, it's sort of behind Greenwoods on Whyte.  It's right across the street from Bulk Barn, which is amazingly convenient because I am also a Bulk Barn junkie.  The cafe is, as I mentioned, tropical themed, which includes gorgeous, fun interior decorating.  The recent paint job has the place a wonderful shade of blue with fauna and flora interspersed on the walls.  There's a wall of teas that you can sniff and then either purchase in bulk or in a press to enjoy in house.  Or both.  Both is a wonderful idea.

I'm not really a tea fan, is this place for me?  First off, shame on you for not liking tea.  But that aside, oh yes it is.  This place is a wonderful little nook that is for everybody.  It's run by a guy name Jake (rather cute.  Check him out.  I do) who has a fantastic selection of alcoholic beverages, sandwiches, waffles, hot tea, cold tea, cocoa and I believe coffee.  This is embarrassing to admit, but I'm unsure on the last one.  Only because I don't drink said black sludge myself.  Huh, now I'm curious and will need to check.  Anyways, you want to hear about the cafe itself, not my lack of coffee knowledge (just checked the Facebook page.  Coffee is available oh sludge drinkers).

Everything is priced very nicely.  As a student, I like going places I can afford and I can happily get myself and Fiance each a sandwich and our own hot beverage for under $20.  Good date place if you need somewhere affordable and awesome.  Boyfriend said he was surprised at the lack of pretension when I took him there.  I laughed at his cafe expectation.

Jake makes amazing food.  I have brought several people there and every single one of them has been in awe at the deliciousness that is his sandwiches and his waffles.  He also has plenty of magazines (National Geographic!  It's how I read it.  I can't afford my own subscription sadly), board games and cards available.  There are comfy couches and chairs to enjoy by the fireplace or if you want more traditional cafe like seating, there are a bunch of tables and chairs downstairs.  Did I mention this place has two levels?  It's kind of a loft.  It adds to the awesomeness. 

One last thing, Jake can do lactose free versions of drinks, which I really appreciate.  Had the masala cocoa yesterday (amazing!!!) with almond milk in it and mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Very good.


Ok, so that was a bit more than I side note about the source of my tea but now you know where to get awesome tea and other tasty things.  At great prices!  In a cool place!  Always a good thing.

Anyways, I should take my now somewhat caffeinated self and finish getting ready for prof oggling.  Hope this puts me in slightly better standing Mom!

Depression

I had a very interesting talk with Fiance the other day.  We were talking about a friend of ours who suffered from anorexia a few years ago.  This person had expressed that they were very embarrassed and ashamed with regards to what had happened, largely because they spent a great deal of time figuring out how to lie to their parents.  What I found interesting was that afterwards Fiance was saying to me that he was surprised that they felt so bad about what had happened; why feel bad about something that is not a choice?

Now, I suffer from depression, something I believe I mentioned a while ago.  It's fairly under control, with some days being better than others.  All in all, it's gotten to the point where 99% of the time it is manageable.  I'm used to dealing with it and know what I need to do to help prevent really bad waves.  That being said, there are still days where there seems to be nothing I can do and I just feel awful.  On those days it's very hard to do much of anything and very difficult to be a pleasant person.  I spend my time staring into space looking morose.  What comes along as a not-so-pleasant side effect of this is a feeling of self-loathing, much like what my friend experiences .  Please note, I am well aware that I am not choosing to be like this and I do not have control over it.  I also know that many people who suffer with a mental illness will experience this kind of complete self-loathing.  So why hate myself if it's not a choice?  Why does anyone get down on themselves when their brain starts doing funky things?

This was what I was trying to explain to Fiance as we talked about our friend.  He said that he felt sorry for them that they'd had to go through that and he felt it was sad that they still felt such dislike towards themselves in regards to their past.
"Why would you be so hard on yourself?" he asked. (To be clear, he was not saying this like "get over it" but more as a wish that this person and others who have felt this, could be gentler towards themselves.)  So I tried to explain.

Not having a choice over what your brain is doing is very hard.  It's very hard to feel awful and know that the only thing you can do is wait for it to pass.  In my case, when it gets really hard, the best thing I can do is be good to myself.  Make sure I'm not alone, game, read a good book, cuddle (cuddling is awesome.  And the skin-to-skin contact will release oxytocin which helps you feel loved and connected), have some nice tea, watch a movie...stuff like that. But unfortunately it's not as simple as just taking time out and being gentle to myself.  I still have to function, go to work, go to school, study, interact with people and it's the interacting with people that gets interesting.

 Remember when I said I stop being a pleasant person?  When I feel like crap it's very easy to snap at people, be difficult, be miserable and if it gets really bad, say rather hurtful things.  Do I mean what I say?  No.  Am I able to control it? Mmm....not sure.  And that's where the fun kicks in.  When I say something unpleasant to someone I care about I then watch their face and see their emotional reaction.  I know I've screwed up and I know I've hurt them. And it hurts.  The last thing I want to do is hurt those I love.   This is part of why I start to hate myself.

  Can you control it? If not, why feel bad? You're not being clear!

Ok.  When I say I'm not sure if I can control it's because what happens is that right after I've said whatever unpleasant thing I've said, I feel like I COULD have controlled it.  Not should have, but COULD have.  Is that true?  It's hard to say.  I'm really not sure.  The point is though, I feel responsible and then I feel awful for hurting my loved ones.  So I hate myself.

I can't say that this is what happens for everyone and it's a bit of a simplification of what happens to me.  A contributing factor to hating myself is that I also feel like I should be able to control the bad thoughts.  Just stop thinking about them, right?  Just do something else!  It's certainly not that simple and learning that I have an actual disease helps me be easier on myself.  But mental funkiness sucks.  It would be nicer in many ways to be missing an arm and be able to say "There!  There is the problem!  See!!" 

Fiance did say he thought he could sort of understand.  He also said he wished myself and my friend could avoid feeling that way.  I wish it too.

But until that time, I will continue to cuddle up to him and hope that the storm passes without too much damage and that one day, our friend will be able to forgive themselves.  It would be nice.

This post has no title

So it's been over a week since I last posted.  I admit, I did not realize how busy I was going to be this school year.  A fair chunk of it is my fault.  If I didn't have the desire to go to grad school and subsequently need good grades I wouldn't spend as much time with my nose buried between the pages of my textbooks.  At least my classes are interesting.  Helps a lot with the spending hours reading from large, small printed books.  My Abnormal Psych class is especially interesting.  It's a lot of material but it's super cool.  Also the prof is pretty awesome.  He has a strong aversion to bad science and enjoys talking sarcastically about Freud.  I approve highly of this. 

Something neat that has come about as of late.  Fiance and I started this weight loss/get-into-better-shape-thing and it's actually working!  I sound surprised because I have a bad history of planning to get into shape, doing a bunch of things and then not seeing results.  Actually a much better way of putting it is that this is the first time that I have a manageable, healthy way of a) losing weight and b) getting strong.  We've modified this program to work for ourselves.  I recommend checking it out if this is something you are interested in.  It's very easy to do, it takes very little time and you can do it easily from home. 

I also found this on autostraddle the other day.  It's pictures of lady-loving ladies over the last 150 years and honestly, I think it's one of coolest things ever.  Many of the pictures made me just sit there and smile.  Many of the women look so happy together!

Speaking of gay things.  Fiance and I went to Buddies for the first time last week and had an absolute blast!  We had a great time dancing, playing pool and yes, checking out the ladies.  I loved how the place lacks the skeeze of straight bars where the waitresses have clearly been dressed by their male managers.  That and the lack of getting stared at and approached by creepy men.  I have such bad blisters on my heels from dancing for two hours though.  Make sure you wear comfortable shoes when going!  I'd say go barefoot but I could feel the soles of my shoes sticking to the alcoholic floor so yeah. 

I wish I actually had one topic to hone in on today but honestly, mostly I'm just thinking about how much reading I still have to do today.  Check out the comic I posted.  It is amusing!

Bedsheets

Boyfriend got new sheets.  They're a kind of polyester/satin set.  Meaning ssslllliiiipppeeerrrryyyy. 

First Week Part 2

As I promised, an actual post.  So first week!!!  Still running around trying to finish up the nit-picky things like, for example, getting to enjoy the line at the financial office this morning.  Why on Earth would anyone willingly go stand in that line you ask? Loans.  A sad truth but a truth that kept me standing in a line for half an hour to then get and enjoy the oh so helpful service of the financial office employee.  Weee.

This tale begins last week.  I'd already paid a couple desperate calls to Ontario, asking them when I was getting money as I had, you know, rent, groceries, tuition and textbooks to pay for (oh how I hate buying textbooks.  It's the beginning of term royal screwing over).  After sitting on hold and listening to the cheery voice saying over and over "if this is about this go here.  If this is about this go here.  If this is about this you need to go here.  PLEASE DON'T ACTUALLY TALK TO US IF IT CAN BE AT ALL HELPED!!!!" I got a living human who spent the conversation trying to get rid of me.  I've found you have to speak fairly quickly and cut them off in order to get your questions in, otherwise it's "thankyougoodbye" *click*.  I have had it happen.  Calling back SUCKS!!!

Anyways, this person informed me that once my school confirmed my enrollment they would release the money to me.  When would this happen? After the first week.  Was there anything I needed to do?  Go to my financial office? Nope.  They'll take care of it.  Just wait. Thankyougoodbye *click*.

Time goes by and after some confusion with my financial office (I do have to actually go in, the liars) I found myself in the aforementioned line.  Now, I'm in this line post confusion with the financial office, panic that I won't be able to get my loans until next month and with cramps.  It began to feel to me like my body was determined to make the financial office experience as horrid as possible.  I was lucky and beat the long line by maybe five minutes but I ended up behind three people who did not know what they were doing or had wrong info or had come to the wrong place or who felt like arguing with the financial person.  Ugh.  As I stood there, on the third floor of an old building (re: no air circulation) I could feel my cramps increasing, the temperature of the room increasing and apparently my stomach felt left out and decided it wanted lunch then.

Needless to say that by the time I got there I was less than cheery but determined to not slow things down, I smiled at the lady and handed her my stuff.  She looked it over, nodded and began to fill stuff in on the computer.  Then the phone rang.  She took the call.  And then chatted with the person on the other end of the line about their money, put them on hold, spoke to her boss about how to get the person their money, talked to the person again and then spoke to me.  Ugh.

I have a high tolerance for crap when I know it is to my advantage to keep my mouth shut but my knees were deciding to quit on me, I'm pretty sure my uterus was trying to exit my body and I could feel sweat running down my back so my temper was very short.  Thankfully, I did not go on a murdering rampage. I did, however, speak somewhat curtly.  There, that'll show her!

Now I'm sitting waiting for my next class fantasizing about a hot water bottle, Buffy episode and a mug of hot chocolate.  In the mean time I suppose I will content myself with reading about poisonous plants and the Duchess of Northumberland, Jane Percy (she is officially a new hero of mine) and her Alnwick Gardens.  Check out the awesome stuff on the poison gardens.  This woman is the best.

First Week Part 1

First week of school!  Whew!  I think I forget how busy school gets.  Oh well. 

I was going to write a proper post but I am so tired and have so much I need to remember that I think I'm going to post some photos I've taken, comment on them and then stumble upstairs and curl up in bed with Fiance.  I promise I will make time tomorrow to actually write more than "oh yeah, I still exist." 

This was taken just off 109th St and 76th-ish ave here in Edmonton.  So, a nice neighbourhood for those who don't know.  It amused me highly.

This seems slightly problematic.  I know what they mean but...anything?

If you cannot read it, it says "Please do not flush tampons, ipads, possessed diaries...etc."  The possessed diaries made me chuckle quite a bit.

Fiance buzzed my hair this evening.  Mmm.  Fresh buzz.  It feels so nice.

Awkward Orgasm

Pooping

Yup, you read that title right.

Very Sad

Ghost (Fiance) and I were sitting in La Poutine on 109th st this afternoon when he got a call from his dad, asking him if he was ok.  There'd been a biking accident on Whyte Ave and a 21 year old cyclist, matching Ghost's description, had been killed.

The Edmonton Journal has a very good article describing what happened.

Seeing the ghost bike on the median had me almost moved to tears.  My greatest condolences go out to the family and the driver of the truck.

Please be careful out there everyone.  This is a horrible thing that has happened.  I really hope they do get bike lanes going on Whyte.  It would make it safer for everyone.  This is a great place for information on biking in Edmonton.  Drivers and cyclists please check this out.  It's important that everyone is knowledgeable about cyclists on the road.  I'd love to see something like this never happen again.

August 29th:  Found out last night that the cyclist who was killed was a friend of my roommate's.  Honestly not sure what to say beyond a gut wrenching "bleah".

FLAMING PIGEON!!!

This deserves it own post.  I wasn't about to risk it getting lost in the mumble-jumble that is me talking about withdrawal.  What is this that is so deserving of its own post you ask?  What could be so awesome?  More comics?  Cute animal pictures?  Luscious ladies on lugubrious adventures?

ALL OF THE ABOVE AND MORE!!! (maybe not the lugubrious but I like the alliteration.)

Boyfriend has gottenh is stuff together and given me permission to blab about the awesomness that is his webcomic stuff.  AND HERE IT IS!!!  I am a large fan of Dirty Thespians.  Anyways, check it out! 
Additional cute animal photo here.
One of the less creepy pictures that comes up when you type in lugubrious ladies.  I have no idea why this comes up but I liked it.

Withdrawal

 August 27,
Fear not!  I did not die.  Instead I went camping for the weekend!!!!!  So glad to have made it out before summer is over.   Ah camping.  How I love thee.
Anyways, sorry for not being around.  I meant to post a will-be-away-thing but sadly it did not happen.
Withdrawal appears to be mostly over.  Which is super nice.  Losing weight, which is also super nice.  Take that ridiculous weight gain!!!!
More comics will be up soon.  I have a couple of finished rough drafts.  Now just need to get off my arse and whip out the inking pen.
Total sidenote, but I officially am starting to get a little taken aback by the mutant space crop that is zucchini.  But my plan is to take this as a challenge and produce lots of zucchini bread, muffins, zucchini pizza dough, stir fry and everything else I can possibly think of that can have zucchini.  Results will be blogged about.  Possibly comicked.


 August 22-23,
Apparently I missed a day.  Trying to remember why that is.  Eh.  Oh well.
Definitely more emotional and cranky today.  Definitely blaming that on the reduction of available serotonin and norepinephrin in my brain.
Saw a play at the fringe this afternoon.  Burnt at the Steak.  It had it's moments.  It had it's not moments.  I liked her fiesty-ness.
Pedalled my way home from the Fringe.  That was interesting.  Became a can-I-make-it-home-before-the-storm-starts bike.  Got in the house, got my bike up and BOOOMMM!!!  Aaaaannnnnddddd then the mass amounts of hail began to pelt down.  Called work and said that I'm not sure when I'll make it as I'm not leaving the house while large ice granules are screaming down.

  Now I'm pantsless so I'm doubting the going to work at all.  Don't take lessons from me kids.  I am a bad influence (the not going to work.  Pantsless is wonderful).




I figured a random picture from my day was appropriate.  This is my creeper shot.  Excuse the thumb.

August 21
Slept like the dead for twelve hours but I am unsure if that has anything to do with meds.  Could simply be the result of pleasant cuddles from Boyfriend and watching Avatar before bed.  Small Avatar gushing moment; they found a library partially buried in the sand with insane amounts of books in it.  The scholar who was traveling with the group chose to stay and learn, even at his own peril.  Honestly, I can kind of understand that feeling.  I'd go completely bananas if I found an archive like that.  Just think of all the reading, and the knowledge and the learning and and and...as I said to Boyfriend last night, I am a major dork.  When I found out I had access to scholarly, peer reviewed articles through my university's library I squeed.  (squeeing is the sound you make when you see stuff like this).

Returning to the original discussion of meds, the only other thing I noticed today was increased dizziness.  I was warned this might be an issue.

Oh, and my sex drive may have increased (Boyfriend grinned and said he's been looking forward to this).



 August 20
As of this morning I have begun to reduce my medication!  Exciting, I know!  I have been on Cymbalta, an antidepressant for just over a year and since February I have been taking 60 mg, once a day.  But as of today, down to 30 mg!!  I am excited for a number of reasons.  One, I want to see how I am doing sans medication.  Two, I'm hoping I will lose some weight (gained 5-10lbs in a week when it went up to 60 mg and IT HASN'T MOVED!!!).  And three, it'd be nice to be eventually not on anything and not have to remember to take stuff.  Anyways, I figured I'd make notes on here as to what happens in terms of withdrawal.  So far nothing, which is not that surprising.  I also did  bike for 50 minutes today which will increase feelings of pleasantness and the like.

Completely off topic, but I teared up for the first time today while watching Buffy.  It was during the episode in season two where Buffy asks Giles if life ever gets easier.  She then asks him to lie to her.  Something about him going on about how "no one ever dies, the bad guys are easily recognizable and easily defeated and we stay happy" made me rather emotional.  Dammit Buffy!  I was expecting cheese and you give me depth.

Characters!

To clear up any confusion, I figured I'd explain who the various bears are.  The two that are reoccurring so far are myself, Merida and my fiance who will be either Fiance or Ghost.  I am the bear with the star tattoo (I have a star tattoo on my left wrist).  Ghost is the one with the buttons and is darker.  Why the buttons?  Because he looks damn sexy in a button down shirt.  He's darker because, well, he's darker than me and I liked the look.  So yeah.  I will add more characters as they come along.  Assume, unless stated otherwise, that bears you don't recognize are just random creations.

Sneezing

 

As promised, more comics.  My plan was to have this up earlier but sadly, work got in the way.  Oh well, left me time when I got home to experiment with outlining.  I am pleased with the results.  Thoughts?

Optimism

As previously promised, and I apologize for the wait, more comics!!!  I will be posting another one later today.  I am sure you can figure it out, but just in case you are wondering, no this is not based on real events.

Being Beautiful

I, like nearly every women in North America, am not 100% confident or comfortable with my appearance.  SURPRISE (I think not)!!!!!  But despite my concerns about the sleight weight I carry on my hips, the size of  my breasts, do-I-have-cellulite on the back of my thighs and the weird mutant hairs that grow in random places on my body, I appear to have stumbled upon a way to feel beautiful.  For the record, not beautiful in the way of a princess in a long flowing gown, so sorry to disappoint if that is what you are after.  But rather, beautiful in the way of confident in my appearance, confident that the image I present is one I am happy with, one I want people to see.  The amazing part is that this was a change that came over me in the space of half an hour.  It was not the result of working out for months or dieting or courses or readings on feeling good or activism or a new lover or anything like that.  No instead, my grand transformation is the result of a hair cut.

A hair cut you say?  How is that possible?  Sure we all feel good after we get prettied up at the salon but that doesn't negate the weight on the hips or the mutant hairs.  Surely you must be kidding yourself.

Hold on.  I will explain.  I have been fighting with my hair on and off for the last year and some.  Cutting it, restyling it, letting it grow, hacking at it, cutting it, letting it grow, restyling...and so on and so forth.  This summer has been hot.  I have heavy hair.  I have been threatening to shave my head simply to relieve myself of the sweat that builds up on my scalp.  I have held off.  And then, I was watching the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and enjoying Noomi Rapace, that sexy goddess.  I looked at the hairstyle she wore in the movie.  Partially shaven, hair longer on one side.  I grinned.  Next morning, I handed Fiance my hair cutting scissors, pinned part of my hair aside and said "Go!"

In case you are curious, it is exactly as much fun as you think to hack at your own hair.  I may have been giggling.  Once it was short enough, Fiance took his razor and began to shave.  The result: I am now proudly sporting a buzz cut with one long piece in the front.

But that's not a pretty haircut!!!  Why would that make you feel beautiful?

Well, first off the sweat levels and maintenance have gone poof so that is a good start.  Secondly, there is something very wonderful about giving up on trying to appear "traditionally" feminine.  I love it.  Now when I'm wearing a skirt I can enjoy it.  The hair offsets the need for my appearance to match proper feminine.  For me, this is incredibly freeing.  I've always felt like I manage to miss out on being feminine.  Like I somehow cannot quite succeed.  This way, I don't have to try.  It's wonderful.

Also, it's loads of fun to pet (I get more head massages!) and when I get out of the shower and rub my head that water sprays off and makes it rain.  :D  It's more fun than I ever imagined I would get out of a hair cut!!!

Mmm fruit

Boyfriend's parents just came back from BC.  With FRESH FRUIT!!!  MWHAHAHAHA!  I think my favourite part of summer is the fresh fruit.  Spent last night gorging myself on cherries, apricots and peaches.  Boyfriend and I also made cherry pie with delicious sour cherries from his garden. Oh how I love fruit!  I now have in my fridge though, two large bags of cherries.  Sweet cherries specifically.  I have spent the last hour looking up canning as well as vegan cherry pies.  This of course lead to a sidetrack where I spent a bunch of time looking up vegan food.  Mmmm vegan food.  I get very excited when I can make new vegan dishes.  Methinks tonight's dinner might be delicious lasagna.  Or I'll make it for lunch.  I'm not actually that picky.

One of my handy-dandy cookbooks lead me to a couple of awesome vegan websites; The Post Punk Kitchen, www.theppk.com and Vegan Yum Yum Blog (this one is more gourmet food), http://veganyumyum.com.

On a totally unrelated note, Boyfriend and I started the second season of Avatar, the last Airbender.  We now meet the crazy sister of Prince Zuko.  Also I had the creepy experience of lusting after Katara.  It always feels super weird to be attracted to a cartoon character.  Also she's fourteen in the show.  I swear I can hear the police sirens now.

Highly recommend the show.  It's got plot, humour, intrigue, mystery, in-depth characters, beautiful landscapes, cultural sensitivity, rich cultural elements and honesty.  It's even on Netflix which makes it super easy to access! Oh  Netflix, my other love.  I appreciate the reliability of Buffy in my home.

Also fear not internet.  There will be more weird bear comics coming soon.  

Cats, Fire, Signs

You know, I started writing one post, talking about my recent experiences involving views of women but it just turned out to be too brain involving for me right now.  I was reading over the last post I did and honestly, that's about how intelligent I feel right now.  Only I can't blame booze.  Very sad.  I have a series of interesting photos on my phone that I feel like they should be shared with the internet.  First of all, the obligatory goofy cat photos.  I have one of our cat Robyn, climbing up between two windows.  As well a photo of a fourteen year old tortoise wandering through a pet store.  A picture of burning a dead guitar, cooking steaks over a fire and some failed signs.  The stuff that is being burnt was found in the grass at a friend's house.  Their landlord couldn't be bothered to pay the electrical bill so they had/probably still have no power.  We figured we were actually doing the landlord a favour.  The dead shit we burnt they won't have to clean up!    

I took this at Canada's Wonderland.  It's a picture from Subway.  I'm sure the intent was .75 but  at Canada's Wonderland it's hard to tell.

I feel like this should actually be "Flying over people is not allowed."  I don't know about you, but if someone jumped over my head and those around me, I'd let them get ahead.  They either deserve it or have crazy ass superpowers and either way, I'm happy to keep my head down.

Robyn seems to believe that if she squirrels up between the windows she can get out.  I admire her tenacity.

Fourteen year old tortoise that Boyfriend and I ran into at a PetSmart.  The dogs were quite freaked out by  the moving rock.

Steaks cooking over fire.  That was the best friggin' steak  ever.

The remnants of a broken guitar.

The only time I will not feel guilty about burning a musical instrument.  We found it in the wet grass, the neck broken off and some sort of ooze growing in it.

The dead chair we found in the grass.  Burning shit is fun.  :)

RPG's and booze

Inebriated and on the internet.  And talking.  Nothing bad come from this.  Though I was much worse easier.  I am listening to a conversation about chain mail thongs.  And if women will attack with swords.  And something about Conan the Barbarian running into battle with basically nothing about his nether regions.  I'm not sure I'm sober enough for the conversation.  

Fiance and I have started running together.  It is nice.  And now there is discussion of people shiving people. All I can think about is forks turning into weapons.  I have no idea why.  This conversation is confusing me.

Ever played Demon Souls?  It's like an exercise in how much patience you have.  For those who do not know, the way the game works is fight-fight-fight-fight-fight-DIE-return to beginning- fight-fight-fight-fight-DIE- return to beginning- fight- fight-fight-fight-fight-fight-fight-DIE- return to beginning and so on and so forth.  I quite like it, just it takes more patience than I...wait no.  Not what I'm meaning to see.  Fuck.  Getting distracted by conversation around me.  Definitely not sober.  What I was saying...was playing Demon Souls.  Now not.  Balls.

I think another person as started petting another.  And now something about dick bags hitting bosses.  Fear not loyal audience, I am listening to a role playing game.  Dead Lands I think.  Really I do not know.  Something now about too much giggling, teacher instincts going off and something about the power of Christ compelling you.  Yup, things are not making sense.  Have more booze my lovelies!  Something about salmon ties.  For weddings.  I have no idea what is going on.  And now something about...you know what, eh.  Off to go research something!!!  Something that at the moment I am unsure what.  To further interwebbing it up.

Bare Breasts Broach On Brains

Yesterday Fiance and I spent the day at Canada's Wonderland.  For those unaware, it is an awesome amusement park with fabulous roller coaster's in Vaughan, Ontario.  We had a great time, zooming around on various rides and terrifying ourselves silly with a couple others.  Their new ride, the Leviathan, stand 306 feet tall and the first drop, the money drop, is at about an eighty degree angle.  It's wicked.  I recommend it.  At the end of the day we were sitting in the parking lot waiting for my Dad to pick us up (we've been visiting my parents for the last week.  Huzzah for vacation!).  In Ontario, it is legal for a woman to go topfree anywhere a man can.  Thanks to Gwen Jacobs and her pointing out to the courts that men and women's breasts are made of the same material, just one tends, on average, to be bigger than the other, sweltering in your bra and shirt is no longer necessary.  Yay!

How does this relate to anything involving Canada's Wonderland?  As I mentioned, we were sitting, waiting, I decided that I was tired of the sweat stuck between my breasts and the clammy shirt sticking to my back.  So I turned to Fiance and asked if he would take off his shirt as well (moral support is helpful).  He said, sure and so off they came.  Initially this wasn't a big deal, as we were sitting down and my breasts were mostly tucked behind my arms (I was fiddling on my phone).  It wasn't until we stood up to walk to the van that things became an issue.  A few stares, people shuffling away, pointing and giggling and then from behind us,
"Put a shirt on!"  We kept walking, looking for the van.
"PUT A SHIRT ON!"  Fiance turned around.
"I'm too hot!" (this is why I love him)
"Fuck you!!!"
As we approached the exit and headed over to the van, we could see a security guard hurriedly speaking into this walkie-talkie.  We climbed into the van, buckled up and drove off.

Now, I wish I could find the reactions of the people around us funny.  It is somewhat amusing, but honestly, it's mostly sad.  As Fiance and I walked side by side, both of us lacking in shirts, people freaked.  The site of my breasts, anatomically very similar to his, was causing major conniptions.  Throughout the day we had seen many men walking around without shirts on.  We had seen many women walking around in tiny shorts (butt hanging out bottom tiny) and tiny tops.   Some were even walking around with their flies undone, bathing suit bottoms popping out.  Some were in just bathing suit bottoms and tiny tops.  And I mean tiny.  You could see their nipples puckering up underneath the clothe.  I myself spent the day in a yellow ribbed tank top and men's shorts (I've given up on women's shorts).  But the site of me, with my nipples exposed to the sun, a pair of men's shorts slung around my hips, Fiance wearing the same thing beside me (different style of shorts yes) was enough to cause people to start yelling.

Maybe they were just concerned about my nipples burning in the sun.  It was hot.  I'd like to think so.

On The Bus

Rain and Heat

Quick post.  First off, I must say it, oh god the heat.  It is amazing how you can suddenly discover that BAM! you are sweating.  Everyhere.  All the time.  Stick, stick, stick.

I was telling Fiance about how when I was little my parents had an interesting time keeping clothes on me.  Really, it is their fault.  They failed at teaching my brother and myself vicious shame.  I remember particularly hot days, arguing vehemently with my parents about the necessity for clothes upon exiting the house.  It annoyed me that I was arguing with sound logic ("It's hot!  I don't want to be hotter") and they were arguing with something that I would later learn are called social norms ("It makes people uncomfortable!"  "Then they shouldn't look!").  Stick, stick, stick.

I was also not much fun when it rained.  I love rain.  To this day, when it rains, I feel that rain can only be properly enjoyed when outside, naked and dancing in it.  Got to shower in the rain once (another story) and it was amazing!!!  But side point.  I have another vivid memory of running outside to play in the rain when I was under ten.  Ankle deep in mud and giggling at the squeelch sounds it made, my Dad came outside and explained that we (brother and I) needed to put clothes on.
"But wwwhhhyyyy???"
"Because you're in the front lawn."
"Soooo???"
"You can't be naked where people will see you."
"But wwwhhhhyyy?  It makes more sense to not be wearing clothes.  They don't get wet.  They don't get dirty!!"
"Come inside."
"No!"
"You can't be out here naked."
"Why?"
"It will make people uncomfortable."
"They will be driving by.  They won't see.  They shouldn't look!  It's not my fault."
"Inside.  Now!"
"Ugh.  Daaaddd!"
"Now!!"
*grumble grumble* 

I'm still not 100% sure how their discomfort is my fault.  *sigh* 

Bj Comic

Another comic!  Yay!  This one should speak for itself.

Blast it!  I think I'm getting sick.  This is most annoying.  Both Boyfriend and Fiance (I am in a polyamorous relationship, I am not cheating) got sick and I have been feeling very smug that about my spartan like immune system.  I think the Battle of Thermopylae may be coming to an end in my body.  I have sent in reinforcements, in the form of Cold FX, so with any luck that will help.

Got myself a copy of the The Hobbit.  Haven't read it in several years and it is so nice to be able to go gallivanting with Bilbo, Gandalf and the dwarves again.  Speaking of The Hobbit, I am super excited for the film.  If you haven't watched the trailer, DO IT.  I'll even post a link for your convenience.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0k3kHtyoqc  I absolutely love how they are doing a dirge for the misty mountain song.  Gives me goosebumps.

Today is an exciting day as it's FIRST COMIC DAY (capitalization is necessary).  Fiance has been nagging me for nearly a year to actually get some of my work up and onto the internet.  I'm not an artist, I just want to be clear.  I am a writer and the idea of drawing bears came to my while sitting through an excruciatingly painful first year English class.  This specific comic is a famous example of foot-in-mouth in our relationship.  Enjoy!

I wish I could blame caffeine

Yesterday I had the joy of attempting to make sales while somewhat manic.  See I have depression with bipolar tendencies, which basically means I get the extreme depression end of things and now and then I get manic.  The mania tends to last between 15 minutes and an hour or so.  Depending on what I'm able to do about it.  When it hits it feels either like being extremely hyper and sitting still is damn near impossible or I feel like I have ants crawling under my skin or I get paranoid and anxious.  It's fun.

Anyways, yesterday.  I was sitting in my cubicle, minding my own business when I noticed that I really wanted to start walking in circles around the office.  I did not but instead continued on with my job of calling people.  And attempting to talk to them.  Eesh.  Ever tried to do anything when you cannot focus?  It went about as well as can be expected, meaning just short of major fail.  

For example, I would pick up the phone and look at the number on the sheet.  And try to dial.  My fingers had their own plans though and began making up phone numbers, area codes and dancing around on the phone.  My eyes kept seeing the number I was supposed to be dialing but my brain kept going "oooo your chair rocks."  Talking to someone was the funniest/worst part.

"Hello, may I please speak to Mr. Joe?  Hi Mr. Joe it's Merida calling from the Theatre and I'd like to thank you for.....um, oh yeah!  Sorry.  Attending our performances in the past.  And I'm also calling to personally, we'd like to personally, I'm personally...ergh.  We'd like to personally share with you highlights of our sensational seasons.  We are starting off with the play, the thrilling and exciting play, A Few Good Men and we have some aaammmmaaazzzing musicals like..."

You get the idea.  Needless to say it was not a successful day sales wise.  In terms of drawing dancing animals and dancing in my chair it was very successful.  My boss says I'm weird all the time so she didn't notice anything strange.  Compliment or not?  I'm not sure yet.

Oh quick note.  My Dad is not embarrassed by my place of work.  Instead, he is apparently worried about me because it is a tough job.  I appreciate your concern Dad but I actually like the challenge.  Still,  I find his concern flattering.  All Dad's should be as awesome.

Expenses and sales

Commence the fun of figuring out if I can manage to have more coming in than going out!  It's a fun game.
To begin, let's start with necessary expenses for the month.
Rent: $500
Food: TBD
Transportation: $84.65
I think that's it for mandatory expenses.  Oh wait.
Vet bill:  $75-ish.
Grand total of $659.65.  Goody.
Income
Theatre: $340 + $150 -ish
Concert Hall: $150 -ish
Total:  $640.
Huh.  Well not as royally screwed as I figured.  How nice. Oh wait.  Food still needs to be added in.  Yup, we have a deficit ladies and gentlemen.  I feel like the government.

I get some extremely amusing phone experiences at my job.  I work in sales at a theatre here in the City.  That's a nice way of saying I work in a call centre and I'm a telemarketer.  I'm pretty sure my dad is ashamed of my job.
As I was saying, I get some of the most amuses phone experiences.  First off, I get answering machines that people will rap on or rhyme.  Last night one woman's answering machine was "Hey Groovy Cats!" and then went from there to rap on about how you should leave a message cause it was cool.  I feel like I'm missing out.  My voice mail is all professional sounding and what not!

I also get the extremes of dithering.  Dither dither dither.  The sale I made last night was to a friendly, lovely older couple.  Part way through the fifteen minute phone call though I admit to wanting to shout "The seats don't get any better Grandma!!!  Grab your credit card and let's go!!!  I got more shit to sell!"  Still it was super cute to here her husband in the background saying "If you want tickets you get tickets!  I don't care what night, just pick one!"  Spouses who are that cool about going to theatre should get a free round of dairy free ice cream bars!  (I wanted to say ice cream but then I realized that my lactose intolerance means I don't really know what ice cream tastes like.)

There's a new guy on staff.  This job does have a fairly high turnover rate though there appears to be about five or so of us who make up a kind of core group.  But this new guy.  Listening to him attempt to sell things is kind of painful.  Painful in the I was fantasizing about wrapping the phone cord and round his neck and tightening a bit.  Why?  First off it's his voice.  He does not have a phone voice.  His voice is insanely deep and makes me feel like my feet are about to start vibrating.  The texture of his voice reminds me of sludge oozing down a hill with a few rocks in it.  Thick heavy dark sludge.  Part of our job is to sound excited.  Listening to him makes me think that if you sit in the house you will find yourself glued to the seat and forced to watch four hours of someone repeating over and over "snail.  Snail.  Snail.  Snail."  He wonders why he has not made sales.

Going to to bar-s tonight.  I may come to regret this decision greatly.  Unless there are cute girls.  Cute girls make everything better.