Good god it's been nearly a month. My Mom got a hold of me last night and one of the things she said was that she's supposed to be the one behind, not me. Fair point Mom, fair point. So here I am at what feels like too fucking early, with a mug of green tea and a bowl of leftovers. I keep thinking maybe there is some way I can crawl back into bed and pretend that this is all a dream but then I remember my fantasy of going to grad school. Damn that hope. Also I do actually want to go to this class. The content is fairly interesting and I'll be honest, I have a thing for my prof. I usually don't get like this over teachers but she's cute, smart, interesting and friendly. And a drummer in a metal band. I swooned when I found out. And realized, with a sinking feeling, that I would be faithfully attending every class to enjoy when she smiles at me, sitting all eager like in the front row. Both Fiance and Boyfriend say I should ask her out for coffee after the final exam. Sure, if I ever find the balls. Nothing says appealing like making a potential ass out of yourself.
Side note, ohmygodisthisteaevertasty! It's Blue Mango that Fiance and I picked up from Cha Island (it's a link to their Facebook page as the website is not working for shit for me). What is Cha Island you ask? It is a fantastic tropical themed cafe just off Whyte Ave. The official address is 10332-81ave, here in Edmonton, but if you're anything like me, you're going, give me landmarks! K, it's sort of behind Greenwoods on Whyte. It's right across the street from Bulk Barn, which is amazingly convenient because I am also a Bulk Barn junkie. The cafe is, as I mentioned, tropical themed, which includes gorgeous, fun interior decorating. The recent paint job has the place a wonderful shade of blue with fauna and flora interspersed on the walls. There's a wall of teas that you can sniff and then either purchase in bulk or in a press to enjoy in house. Or both. Both is a wonderful idea.
I'm not really a tea fan, is this place for me? First off, shame on you for not liking tea. But that aside, oh yes it is. This place is a wonderful little nook that is for everybody. It's run by a guy name Jake (rather cute. Check him out. I do) who has a fantastic selection of alcoholic beverages, sandwiches, waffles, hot tea, cold tea, cocoa and I believe coffee. This is embarrassing to admit, but I'm unsure on the last one. Only because I don't drink said black sludge myself. Huh, now I'm curious and will need to check. Anyways, you want to hear about the cafe itself, not my lack of coffee knowledge (just checked the Facebook page. Coffee is available oh sludge drinkers).
Everything is priced very nicely. As a student, I like going places I can afford and I can happily get myself and Fiance each a sandwich and our own hot beverage for under $20. Good date place if you need somewhere affordable and awesome. Boyfriend said he was surprised at the lack of pretension when I took him there. I laughed at his cafe expectation.
Jake makes amazing food. I have brought several people there and every single one of them has been in awe at the deliciousness that is his sandwiches and his waffles. He also has plenty of magazines (National Geographic! It's how I read it. I can't afford my own subscription sadly), board games and cards available. There are comfy couches and chairs to enjoy by the fireplace or if you want more traditional cafe like seating, there are a bunch of tables and chairs downstairs. Did I mention this place has two levels? It's kind of a loft. It adds to the awesomeness.
One last thing, Jake can do lactose free versions of drinks, which I really appreciate. Had the masala cocoa yesterday (amazing!!!) with almond milk in it and mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Very good.
Ok, so that was a bit more than I side note about the source of my tea but now you know where to get awesome tea and other tasty things. At great prices! In a cool place! Always a good thing.
Anyways, I should take my now somewhat caffeinated self and finish getting ready for prof oggling. Hope this puts me in slightly better standing Mom!
Monday 29 October 2012
Tuesday 2 October 2012
Depression
I had a very interesting talk with Fiance the other day. We were talking about a friend of ours who suffered from anorexia a few years ago. This person had expressed that they were very embarrassed and ashamed with regards to what had happened, largely because they spent a great deal of time figuring out how to lie to their parents. What I found interesting was that afterwards Fiance was saying to me that he was surprised that they felt so bad about what had happened; why feel bad about something that is not a choice?
Now, I suffer from depression, something I believe I mentioned a while ago. It's fairly under control, with some days being better than others. All in all, it's gotten to the point where 99% of the time it is manageable. I'm used to dealing with it and know what I need to do to help prevent really bad waves. That being said, there are still days where there seems to be nothing I can do and I just feel awful. On those days it's very hard to do much of anything and very difficult to be a pleasant person. I spend my time staring into space looking morose. What comes along as a not-so-pleasant side effect of this is a feeling of self-loathing, much like what my friend experiences . Please note, I am well aware that I am not choosing to be like this and I do not have control over it. I also know that many people who suffer with a mental illness will experience this kind of complete self-loathing. So why hate myself if it's not a choice? Why does anyone get down on themselves when their brain starts doing funky things?
This was what I was trying to explain to Fiance as we talked about our friend. He said that he felt sorry for them that they'd had to go through that and he felt it was sad that they still felt such dislike towards themselves in regards to their past.
"Why would you be so hard on yourself?" he asked. (To be clear, he was not saying this like "get over it" but more as a wish that this person and others who have felt this, could be gentler towards themselves.) So I tried to explain.
Not having a choice over what your brain is doing is very hard. It's very hard to feel awful and know that the only thing you can do is wait for it to pass. In my case, when it gets really hard, the best thing I can do is be good to myself. Make sure I'm not alone, game, read a good book, cuddle (cuddling is awesome. And the skin-to-skin contact will release oxytocin which helps you feel loved and connected), have some nice tea, watch a movie...stuff like that. But unfortunately it's not as simple as just taking time out and being gentle to myself. I still have to function, go to work, go to school, study, interact with people and it's the interacting with people that gets interesting.
Remember when I said I stop being a pleasant person? When I feel like crap it's very easy to snap at people, be difficult, be miserable and if it gets really bad, say rather hurtful things. Do I mean what I say? No. Am I able to control it? Mmm....not sure. And that's where the fun kicks in. When I say something unpleasant to someone I care about I then watch their face and see their emotional reaction. I know I've screwed up and I know I've hurt them. And it hurts. The last thing I want to do is hurt those I love. This is part of why I start to hate myself.
Can you control it? If not, why feel bad? You're not being clear!
Ok. When I say I'm not sure if I can control it's because what happens is that right after I've said whatever unpleasant thing I've said, I feel like I COULD have controlled it. Not should have, but COULD have. Is that true? It's hard to say. I'm really not sure. The point is though, I feel responsible and then I feel awful for hurting my loved ones. So I hate myself.
I can't say that this is what happens for everyone and it's a bit of a simplification of what happens to me. A contributing factor to hating myself is that I also feel like I should be able to control the bad thoughts. Just stop thinking about them, right? Just do something else! It's certainly not that simple and learning that I have an actual disease helps me be easier on myself. But mental funkiness sucks. It would be nicer in many ways to be missing an arm and be able to say "There! There is the problem! See!!"
Fiance did say he thought he could sort of understand. He also said he wished myself and my friend could avoid feeling that way. I wish it too.
But until that time, I will continue to cuddle up to him and hope that the storm passes without too much damage and that one day, our friend will be able to forgive themselves. It would be nice.
Now, I suffer from depression, something I believe I mentioned a while ago. It's fairly under control, with some days being better than others. All in all, it's gotten to the point where 99% of the time it is manageable. I'm used to dealing with it and know what I need to do to help prevent really bad waves. That being said, there are still days where there seems to be nothing I can do and I just feel awful. On those days it's very hard to do much of anything and very difficult to be a pleasant person. I spend my time staring into space looking morose. What comes along as a not-so-pleasant side effect of this is a feeling of self-loathing, much like what my friend experiences . Please note, I am well aware that I am not choosing to be like this and I do not have control over it. I also know that many people who suffer with a mental illness will experience this kind of complete self-loathing. So why hate myself if it's not a choice? Why does anyone get down on themselves when their brain starts doing funky things?
This was what I was trying to explain to Fiance as we talked about our friend. He said that he felt sorry for them that they'd had to go through that and he felt it was sad that they still felt such dislike towards themselves in regards to their past.
"Why would you be so hard on yourself?" he asked. (To be clear, he was not saying this like "get over it" but more as a wish that this person and others who have felt this, could be gentler towards themselves.) So I tried to explain.
Not having a choice over what your brain is doing is very hard. It's very hard to feel awful and know that the only thing you can do is wait for it to pass. In my case, when it gets really hard, the best thing I can do is be good to myself. Make sure I'm not alone, game, read a good book, cuddle (cuddling is awesome. And the skin-to-skin contact will release oxytocin which helps you feel loved and connected), have some nice tea, watch a movie...stuff like that. But unfortunately it's not as simple as just taking time out and being gentle to myself. I still have to function, go to work, go to school, study, interact with people and it's the interacting with people that gets interesting.
Remember when I said I stop being a pleasant person? When I feel like crap it's very easy to snap at people, be difficult, be miserable and if it gets really bad, say rather hurtful things. Do I mean what I say? No. Am I able to control it? Mmm....not sure. And that's where the fun kicks in. When I say something unpleasant to someone I care about I then watch their face and see their emotional reaction. I know I've screwed up and I know I've hurt them. And it hurts. The last thing I want to do is hurt those I love. This is part of why I start to hate myself.
Can you control it? If not, why feel bad? You're not being clear!
Ok. When I say I'm not sure if I can control it's because what happens is that right after I've said whatever unpleasant thing I've said, I feel like I COULD have controlled it. Not should have, but COULD have. Is that true? It's hard to say. I'm really not sure. The point is though, I feel responsible and then I feel awful for hurting my loved ones. So I hate myself.
I can't say that this is what happens for everyone and it's a bit of a simplification of what happens to me. A contributing factor to hating myself is that I also feel like I should be able to control the bad thoughts. Just stop thinking about them, right? Just do something else! It's certainly not that simple and learning that I have an actual disease helps me be easier on myself. But mental funkiness sucks. It would be nicer in many ways to be missing an arm and be able to say "There! There is the problem! See!!"
Fiance did say he thought he could sort of understand. He also said he wished myself and my friend could avoid feeling that way. I wish it too.
But until that time, I will continue to cuddle up to him and hope that the storm passes without too much damage and that one day, our friend will be able to forgive themselves. It would be nice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)