Brother and I have been chatting about labels, specifically about labels relating to sexuality. He has requested that I write a post on this.
So, bisexual, lesbian, gay, straight, questioning, bi-curious, pansexual, asexual and any others you can think of; what do they mean and what do they do to the youth trying to figure themselves out?
In my own personal experience these labels mean confusion. When I was younger I figured I was straight, because that's what people were, you know? Not in a I-was-born-in-a-homophobic-family way but in a girls-like-boys and boys-like-girls way. I never really thought about it until I got to about thirteen. That was when I sitting in drama class and working on a collage with some female classmates. We were looking at a magazine picture of a a female model, and one of the girls said something that made me realize that the way I thought of the model was different than the way they did. I was extremely confused; what did this mean? I had crushes on boys and I wanted to kiss them and hold their hands and dance with them. I had female friends. I liked being with them, I was comfortable being physically close to them, we hugged and kissed each other on the cheek. Occasionally we held hands. Did this mean anything? What was I? At that point, mostly just confused.
I decided that I would need to accept the title of bisexual. I mean, I was apparently attracted to girls, so I figured that this must mean that I was bisexual. But this didn't sit well with me. Did this mean that I needed to feel the same thing for girls as I did for guys? I didn't so then what? What was I, in terms of sexuality? And as I've grown older, my sexuality has fluctuated and changed.
I've never found an answer to this question of what am I. I believe I would technically qualify as pansexual. I have been attracted to both men and women, I have had sex with both and I have had romantic relationships with both. It's easier for me to be attracted to women, but I love checking out the cute guys' butts in the gym. I'm getting married to an amazing man who has been my best friend for the last five-ish years. So what does that make me?
I'm a third year university student who loves cooking, reading, writing, biking. I've taken up knitting. I have two adorable cats. I like pretty dresses and button down shirts and ties. And I like cute girls and their curves. I like cute boys and their butts. I like kissing people. When I get asked about my sexuality, I say I'm not straight. It seems most simple.
Brother and I were talking about this complication. Some people are able to easily settle in one sexuality or another, but I know so many who can't for whatever reason. I know girls and guys who are primarily attracted to women but they have met men that they want to be with. I know girls and guys who are primarily attracted to men but have women they want to be with.
Fiance and I have talked about this and we have a personal preference for the words androphilia, gynophilia and ambiphilia. Androphilia means attraction to men or masculinity, gynophilia means attraction to female or femininity, and ambiphilia means attraction to intersex or transgender. I would consider myself all three; Fiance would consider himself gynophilic. Why do we like these terms? It covers the gender spectrum and it skips all the fun that is trying to fit into the labels of pan, bi, queer, straight or other stuff.
Brother wants to get rid of the labels and just assume people are attracted to people until they say otherwise. And by that, to my knowledge, he means take it in a case by case situation, not a gender as a whole. He believes not only is it more simple but it allows for freedom of being attracted to someone without having to fit into some sort of spectrum and worrying if you don't. He believes that it also allows youth, trying to figure out where they fit in, the freedom to just be and explore. I agree with him. The last thing you need while moving though adolescence is more confusion and fear.
I do not believe it helps adolescence to have to try and find a label that they fit under. I believe it just creates problems. A girl I dated for a while came out to her parents while we were together. She was not pleased that she needed to do so. She wished that her parents and those around her did not automatically assume she was straight. "I would not have to come out if I liked guys!" she complained to me. I empathized; I hate coming out to people. I hate the moment where they look at me and Fiance and raise their eyebrows; like by not being straight, how can I be with him. When it comes to my sexuality, I am happiest when left alone about it (unless the cute girl at the bar wants to buy me a drink. Well then I'm happy to talk sex with her. :P). But honestly, unless we are planning to have sex, I usually just feel like saying "shoo!" when people ask.
Really, I feel that if it's there's affection and respect, does it really matter? And unless a label is going to help me get Brandi Carlile into my bed I'm happy without them.
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