Depression

I had a very interesting talk with Fiance the other day.  We were talking about a friend of ours who suffered from anorexia a few years ago.  This person had expressed that they were very embarrassed and ashamed with regards to what had happened, largely because they spent a great deal of time figuring out how to lie to their parents.  What I found interesting was that afterwards Fiance was saying to me that he was surprised that they felt so bad about what had happened; why feel bad about something that is not a choice?

Now, I suffer from depression, something I believe I mentioned a while ago.  It's fairly under control, with some days being better than others.  All in all, it's gotten to the point where 99% of the time it is manageable.  I'm used to dealing with it and know what I need to do to help prevent really bad waves.  That being said, there are still days where there seems to be nothing I can do and I just feel awful.  On those days it's very hard to do much of anything and very difficult to be a pleasant person.  I spend my time staring into space looking morose.  What comes along as a not-so-pleasant side effect of this is a feeling of self-loathing, much like what my friend experiences .  Please note, I am well aware that I am not choosing to be like this and I do not have control over it.  I also know that many people who suffer with a mental illness will experience this kind of complete self-loathing.  So why hate myself if it's not a choice?  Why does anyone get down on themselves when their brain starts doing funky things?

This was what I was trying to explain to Fiance as we talked about our friend.  He said that he felt sorry for them that they'd had to go through that and he felt it was sad that they still felt such dislike towards themselves in regards to their past.
"Why would you be so hard on yourself?" he asked. (To be clear, he was not saying this like "get over it" but more as a wish that this person and others who have felt this, could be gentler towards themselves.)  So I tried to explain.

Not having a choice over what your brain is doing is very hard.  It's very hard to feel awful and know that the only thing you can do is wait for it to pass.  In my case, when it gets really hard, the best thing I can do is be good to myself.  Make sure I'm not alone, game, read a good book, cuddle (cuddling is awesome.  And the skin-to-skin contact will release oxytocin which helps you feel loved and connected), have some nice tea, watch a movie...stuff like that. But unfortunately it's not as simple as just taking time out and being gentle to myself.  I still have to function, go to work, go to school, study, interact with people and it's the interacting with people that gets interesting.

 Remember when I said I stop being a pleasant person?  When I feel like crap it's very easy to snap at people, be difficult, be miserable and if it gets really bad, say rather hurtful things.  Do I mean what I say?  No.  Am I able to control it? Mmm....not sure.  And that's where the fun kicks in.  When I say something unpleasant to someone I care about I then watch their face and see their emotional reaction.  I know I've screwed up and I know I've hurt them. And it hurts.  The last thing I want to do is hurt those I love.   This is part of why I start to hate myself.

  Can you control it? If not, why feel bad? You're not being clear!

Ok.  When I say I'm not sure if I can control it's because what happens is that right after I've said whatever unpleasant thing I've said, I feel like I COULD have controlled it.  Not should have, but COULD have.  Is that true?  It's hard to say.  I'm really not sure.  The point is though, I feel responsible and then I feel awful for hurting my loved ones.  So I hate myself.

I can't say that this is what happens for everyone and it's a bit of a simplification of what happens to me.  A contributing factor to hating myself is that I also feel like I should be able to control the bad thoughts.  Just stop thinking about them, right?  Just do something else!  It's certainly not that simple and learning that I have an actual disease helps me be easier on myself.  But mental funkiness sucks.  It would be nicer in many ways to be missing an arm and be able to say "There!  There is the problem!  See!!" 

Fiance did say he thought he could sort of understand.  He also said he wished myself and my friend could avoid feeling that way.  I wish it too.

But until that time, I will continue to cuddle up to him and hope that the storm passes without too much damage and that one day, our friend will be able to forgive themselves.  It would be nice.